Private Dancer

I'm being naive to think that there's something here when there's not. My relationships are like my life, hopeful, promising yet ultimately fleeting. But she is beautiful, she is warm and inspiring and honest. There was a point when I could've had her maybe that time will come again. And maybe she's crazy and I'm crazy and nothing really matters. Easy out huh...

Interviewed

The process of interviewing is interesting. I'm interviewing them as they are interviewing me. Trying to find if there is a possible relationship there. Looking for a connection. I think I made one with my last interview. We'll see if the timing is right.

Trust me when I say I never thought I'd be here…

But this is exactly where I am...

And without further ado. . . 

I'm desperately trying to end this. This period in my life that I can't seem to escape.

I know there is more to come and I know the change is going to involve me altering things in my life that have become so habitual. 

It seems simple to think that if I hadn't been so lazy for so long I wouldn't be here. 

But maybe it is that simple. 

I felt supreme confidence for so long. As if I was controlling in some way how my life was being played out. Not as if I was controlling what I was doing in my daily life. More that I assumed things would be and expected them to be as my imagination dictated. 

That was false. How could things just be. 

How could I shape the future I wanted without putting any of the work in. Without fighting to get what I wanted. 

I just wanted it to be.

And I know that's weirdly cocky. Cocky egotistical selfish… 

Why should I just be given anything I really haven't earned. 

Frustrating.

Knowing things and opportunities I've been given to this point. Knowing that I haven't taken advantage of them is rough. 

It's uncomfortably rough. 

This is Lonnie Finley calling to collect a debt. A debt that has to be paid to Lonnie Finley. You owe for the lack of promise fulfilled. Promises you've made to yourself. Dreams you had when you were a kid. Dreams you have today. Any and all attempts to collect a debit will be recorded for quality assurance.

How I feel now.

Not exactly sure what this would be categorized as, a funny "haha" joke or a funny "oh um thats not good" joke. But I have been having a rough year. I came back from visiting my parents for christmas. I finally talked with my mom about why I was so angry and how I really felt after my sister passed away. We never talked about it. It just happened and I went back to my life as normal. It was good to talk with her.

Going home I thought that I would be able to recharge my batteries and finally get myself back on track. I guess that would require me to have been on a track in the first place… Things can get so convoluted sometimes. I end up focusing less and less on being an actor....

 I don't know where things are going. I have ideas and places where I'd like them to be, where i'd like to end up. Thats the problem with an imagination. Some people don't have enough imagination and then some have too much. I think I safety fall in the latter category. I like to imagine how things will be sometimes. I like to imagine my life in the future, my wife, my kids.

Theres nothing wrong necessarily with imagining. But imaging without doing will never get me to the things I want/ need.

Guess who's bizzack

House sitting this week in Glendale for my friend Bethany. I was originally I was just watching her house but then due to some awesome circumstances I am now watching Brock as well. I figured I would use this as an opportunity to have a mini-vacation. Since I never have vacations. This is a really cool house, its great for just lounging and relaxing.

Brock is quite possibly one of the most chill dogs ever. He barks very infrequently. He mostly just barks when people leave, not a big fan of people leaving the house. It also appears that he's not a fan of the gardeners or mail men. Anyone who has a job that he deems beneath him. Yet he refuses to get a job...

Last night my friends Arik, Dave, Kim, Ben and myself had ourselves a Die Hard marathon. What better way to celebrate christmas than to watch one of the best christmas movies ever made. That's correct Die Hard is one of the best Xmas movies ever made and I dare anyone to challenge that or to say that its not a Xmas movie... Brock seemed to enjoy himself as well. Netflix unfortunately didn't have Die hard 4, which really doesn't count.

I'm back. Kind of..

It's been a good while since I wrote something on my blog site, I think I just haven't been inspired to write something. I have had a lot going on recently. Also I know that only about five or six people are probably reading this if that . Ultimately I don't think that even matters. Even if i'm the only one reading what I wrote thats fine. I can always go back and look at what was happening at a point in my life, and that makes all this worth it. Now that I've gotten that bit of rambling out of my system, it's time for some more rambling!

There's a few thing s that I really want to write about but I don't know if i'm completely ready to right now. Things regarding family friends and relationships. I think i'll just finish this and then write some more in a little bit.

Thanks

Random I know

I got my VehiCross!!!!

You heard correctly I just got my brand new (used) VehiCross! I picked it up from Dyson-Motors in Azuza Cali last friday. Let me just say that I was very happy last friday.

If you're unfamiliar with the 2000 Izuzu VehiCross as most people i've talked to seem to be, i'll tell you a few things about it. The Izuzu VehiCross is one of the frist crossover SUV's, its kind of a SUV/sports car. It was designed as a "halo" vehicle for Izuzu. Basically that means that this vehicle is designed to get people into the show rooms and then they end up buying cheaper cars. I think it worked for Izuzu.

Some people love the way it looks and some don't. I think you know instantly which camp you're in. I remember seeing this car when they first debuted it and wishing I could own it. I was in my last couple of years of high school and there was no chance that me or my parents were gonna be getting this thing. Flash to 2010 and now I can afford one. (I think thats kind of a joke).

Getting the VehiCross was almost as if the stars had aligned themselves and then some stars fell out of orbit and I had to get a loan and then the stars got realigned. Seriously tho since they only made these vehicles for 3 years in the U.S. they're pretty rare. In fact the one I have they only made about 146 of them. So finding one that is in good condition and is not too expensive is a task in of itself. I read on a VehiCross tribute site that one guy traveled 1500 miles to get his. I only had to go about 30miles (which in L.A. can be like traveling 1500 miles).

When I say that it was kept in good condition, I mean really good condition. It was as if the previous owner (by the way there was only one owner which is great) had bought this car 10 years ago because I couldn't afford it and kept it safe for me. I opened the glove box after I got it and all of the documentation was in an envelope in the same condition it would have been in when it was purchased. I think the previous owner was female, which can is probably why it was so clean and hadn't really gone off road ever.

I like to find connections to things in life that normally don't connect. Like the fact that I've always wanted the VehiCross and finally got it... and there are many other things that I want in life, with regard to relationships or career goals, if I keep those goals in mind at all times they will happen for me I have no doubt.

I knew that once I got a new vehicle I would change me for the better, because I would previously avoid driving because my shitty focus didn't run well or just wasn't very comfortable to ride in. Now I want to drive everywhere. If you know of some cool driving destinations or scenic routes in SoCal please let me know.