Private Dancer

I'm being naive to think that there's something here when there's not. My relationships are like my life, hopeful, promising yet ultimately fleeting. But she is beautiful, she is warm and inspiring and honest. There was a point when I could've had her maybe that time will come again. And maybe she's crazy and I'm crazy and nothing really matters. Easy out huh...

Interviewed

The process of interviewing is interesting. I'm interviewing them as they are interviewing me. Trying to find if there is a possible relationship there. Looking for a connection. I think I made one with my last interview. We'll see if the timing is right.

Trust me when I say I never thought I'd be here…

But this is exactly where I am...

And without further ado. . . 

I'm desperately trying to end this. This period in my life that I can't seem to escape.

I know there is more to come and I know the change is going to involve me altering things in my life that have become so habitual. 

It seems simple to think that if I hadn't been so lazy for so long I wouldn't be here. 

But maybe it is that simple. 

I felt supreme confidence for so long. As if I was controlling in some way how my life was being played out. Not as if I was controlling what I was doing in my daily life. More that I assumed things would be and expected them to be as my imagination dictated. 

That was false. How could things just be. 

How could I shape the future I wanted without putting any of the work in. Without fighting to get what I wanted. 

I just wanted it to be.

And I know that's weirdly cocky. Cocky egotistical selfish… 

Why should I just be given anything I really haven't earned. 

Frustrating.

Knowing things and opportunities I've been given to this point. Knowing that I haven't taken advantage of them is rough. 

It's uncomfortably rough. 

This is Lonnie Finley calling to collect a debt. A debt that has to be paid to Lonnie Finley. You owe for the lack of promise fulfilled. Promises you've made to yourself. Dreams you had when you were a kid. Dreams you have today. Any and all attempts to collect a debit will be recorded for quality assurance.

How I feel now.

Not exactly sure what this would be categorized as, a funny "haha" joke or a funny "oh um thats not good" joke. But I have been having a rough year. I came back from visiting my parents for christmas. I finally talked with my mom about why I was so angry and how I really felt after my sister passed away. We never talked about it. It just happened and I went back to my life as normal. It was good to talk with her.

Going home I thought that I would be able to recharge my batteries and finally get myself back on track. I guess that would require me to have been on a track in the first place… Things can get so convoluted sometimes. I end up focusing less and less on being an actor....

 I don't know where things are going. I have ideas and places where I'd like them to be, where i'd like to end up. Thats the problem with an imagination. Some people don't have enough imagination and then some have too much. I think I safety fall in the latter category. I like to imagine how things will be sometimes. I like to imagine my life in the future, my wife, my kids.

Theres nothing wrong necessarily with imagining. But imaging without doing will never get me to the things I want/ need.