Sunday, April 14, 2013
Trust me when I say I never thought I'd be here…
But this is exactly where I am...
And without further ado. . .
I'm desperately trying to end this. This period in my life that I can't seem to escape.
I know there is more to come and I know the change is going to involve me altering things in my life that have become so habitual.
It seems simple to think that if I hadn't been so lazy for so long I wouldn't be here.
But maybe it is that simple.
I felt supreme confidence for so long. As if I was controlling in some way how my life was being played out. Not as if I was controlling what I was doing in my daily life. More that I assumed things would be and expected them to be as my imagination dictated.
That was false. How could things just be.
How could I shape the future I wanted without putting any of the work in. Without fighting to get what I wanted.
I just wanted it to be.
And I know that's weirdly cocky. Cocky egotistical selfish…
Why should I just be given anything I really haven't earned.
Knowing things and opportunities I've been given to this point. Knowing that I haven't taken advantage of them is rough.
It's uncomfortably rough.
This is Lonnie Finley calling to collect a debt. A debt that has to be paid to Lonnie Finley. You owe for the lack of promise fulfilled. Promises you've made to yourself. Dreams you had when you were a kid. Dreams you have today. Any and all attempts to collect a debit will be recorded for quality assurance.